Counting Chickens -2010 Census

Americans love being counted. 'Count me in.' 'Yesh, count me in too.' American Idol, good Americans, nay great Americans, vote thousands of times for their Idol 'talent'. Florida, nice work Ms. Harris. Ohio. Philadelphia. Data voting into the magical pool in the unmeasurable Internet, a meaningless poll? Yes, yes I answer anything because you are interested in me. You really love me. Vote for your favorite Superbowl commercial. Chicago, the dead vote. Sharing your facebook page with Uzbekistan trollers. Grocery shopper cards that trade you an occasional reward-y coupon for information on EVERYTHING YOU EAT, YOUR SELECTION OF ASS-WIPERY AND WHAT YOU LADIES UTILIZE FOR YOUR HOO-HAA PROTECTORS. And in some parts of the deepest, murkiest spots of the Heartland, some still enjoy being the thirteen caller for White Snake reunion tickets. Counting. Counting. I answer the telephone box at dinner time. You'd expect the purple-face Sesame Street vampire to show up on a three-dollar bill.

Oh ho ho whoa there. Count me in the official United States of America census? THE U.S. Census? I do not fucking think so. All of a sudden Mr. and Mrs. America are frightened of the federal government, or gubmint , it's an intrusion on an American's right to privacy. Unless, you got a funny name. And Lord God Himself forbid them uppity charcoal ACORN-types are stealing our ballots and whatnot. And it's all good if yer scanning every face on every city block fer terrorists, except if I'm running a red light. I didn't count on that.

But dammit we do not want to be counted. Pace Picante IS made in NYC. The Black-hoody Left, paranoid little punks stinking up actual protest. Good Holy St. Christopher, I want to shake these little bastards upside down and swing/smack 'em up against a McDonald's window pane. Ignorant little pukes. And do you think the 3-30 million Mexi-centro-south-American strolled through a turnstile are uncountable? We needs freedoms. And Lesser freedoms. Gun freedoms. And more freedoms. And the proper religious freedoms. Count us in.

Except for the other freedoms. This gotdam U.S. Census. President O'Bobby Seal, shit. Americaniskas are not a proud people it seems. Claims of import as a great civilization, and milk and honey flow from our collective tits and then we do the bumblebee dance. Woo hoo! If you fucking qualify. Shit. Many prefer not to be counted, many are better than others. Why is it so problematic to see who the flying fuck we are? The Constitution, for all you Tea-baggers, requires that we count everyone. EVERYONE. Legal, illegal, short, fat, stupid, you. The Founding Fathers wanted to see the Big Picture. SO THAT AMERICA COULD ALLOCATE RESOURCES EFFECTIVELY TO ENHANCE THE REPUBLIC. Now, in the 21st Century, it's like mice fighting for a Kraft cheese slice. Embarrassing.

A waft of breeze. Ahhh... You assholes are too stupid to vote, and no one wants to count you. Just like junior high gym class. You, the fucking silly-hat-wearing radio host worshiping morons get the wish of a sacrificial State. Barb-wire, your own passports, guns and WalMart. Where is the Nirvana? Doofus America loves their Jesus, conditionally. And the whole Luke and Matthew census who, what, when thing with Quirinius and Joe and Mary going to be counted and the whole Nazareth/Bethlehem Waffle House scenario. So get the fuck out. Oklahoma, you're going to have to take one for the team.

How fucking difficult is it to stand up and say, 'I'm an American'?

Something's fishy

How about an $8 fish sandwich? Say wha??? SHAZAM!!!

A half a pound of fresh wild-caught Halibut will drive the cost of your fishwich up a bit. Bonus: You will never again eat a burger drive-thru 'I did not know cardboard could swim'-wich.

Happy President's Day!

Put down the weekend ad circular, the new mattress can wait. In the 21st Century, our twenty-tens, President's Day revolves around a bank and post office Monday holiday shutdown,a new sets of sheets, sandwiches and assorted random commercially-related anthropomorphized Uncle Sam characters that appeal to an elementary school remembrance of patriotism. Crass? Any more crass than squishing up a few Presidential birthdays to form a pseudo-holiday?

President's Day should be about a moment of reflection. Yes, yes, there should be a Supreme Court Day. Let's ditch that bullshit Columbus Day, the little junior high monkeys should be learning about Court cases that shifted thought about freedoms, the Constitution and little crap such as privacy, voting rights, cripple rights, choice and who gets to learn about shit, where and how. For example, Brown v. Board of Education springs to mind. Fuck Christopher Columbus and the Knights who hold sway so they can have a fucking parade. And Congress is going to have to haul water to get a day until we bring back an occasional Congressman Brooks-style beatdown of a Senator Sumner on the floor.

Here we are, 2010. An African-American is President of the United States of America. Barack Hussein Obama was elected by a minority of Americans to the highest office in the land. Minority? Yes. Given the percentage of registered voters who actually voted, the reality is just that. Potential voters who didn't vote and those who voted against him means that clearly most Americans did not want him in office. Many like myself celebrated his election as the opportunity for the Smart Guys to fix the shit that Bush and Cheney dragged our country into in a most embarrassing fashion. Intellectually, internationally, economically and Constitutionally, the GWB Administration crushed the spirit of a nation with their ideological hubris. Katrina and permanent war and privatization of the whole works, Christ. In eight short years, the damage was and still is disgusting. We celebrated a return to decency in 2008. The joy revealed during the Inauguration was genuine and inspiring for so many reasons. And perhaps that's what is so painful now for many, many people.

Why? The why and what the fuck of what is happening now is a difficult nut to crack. The Democrats control the White House, the House of Representatives, the Senate and a retirement or two from a friendly Supreme Court. It should be simple to enact a bit of healthcare, foreign policy, financial reform and maybe an employment juicebox to get the train back on the tracks. Yes? And as in, what in the bloody Hell is happening here?

The 36th President LBJ, despite screwing up Vietnam, managed to jam through the Civil Rights Act of '64, Voter's Rights Act of '65, Medicare, Medicaid,the space program and a whole slew of fine ideas that we take for granted. All this when a good chunk of the country wanted to tar and feather him. Johnson could crush a man with his will. A meeting with him would be the equivalent of a psychological beating. When he ran for Congress, legend has it he had his campaign adviser spread a rumor that his opponent was a pig fucker. He adviser said to the effect that this wouldn't be true. Johnson said all he wanted was for his opponent to deny he was a pig fucker. LBJ was feared. Hell, even Chester A. Arthur was feared.

What has changed? Where is the sausage from the sausage-making? It's easy to point the finger of the hatred of government at Ronald Reagan's 'welfare-queen-ing' of the Federal government. But the mistrust was solidified by Newt Gingrich. And the Christian Coalition. Congressman Gingrich's Contract eased the way for shutting down the country as a option for leadership. And the Falwell's and Robertson's jihad legitimized religion-based election strategy that still works today among the Idiot class. Throw in the Fox News faux-journalism, and you have the mutated simpleton's path to the Palin/Bachmann form of government. The so-called movement of the Teabaggers is the retarded baby of this three decade-long attack on a civil society.

This is where we stand. What is a free-thinking, decent American supposed to do? From the 2010 State of the Union address, President Barack Obama:

"The spirit that has sustained this nation for more than two centuries lives on in you, its people. We have finished a difficult year. We have come through a difficult decade. But a new year has come. A new decade stretches before us. We don't quit. I don't quit. Let's seize this moment -- to start anew, to carry the dream forward, and to strengthen our union once more."

Happy President's Day.

Enough

Enough is enough. Time for a bit of levity.





For the public record: Journey kicks ass.

The State of the Union

I've been very sick for the last few days, making watching the SOTU address last night even more depressing without booze. President Barack Obama tilting at The Windmills of Chucklehead is difficult to swallow. I watched the post-game Charlie Rose show, and even a depressed David Brooks was talking suicidal, the frustration of systemic national Stupidity and the increasing realization that it's hopeless for rational governance are sinking in. This actually made me laugh.

A quote that seems to get magically attributed to anyone who may have repeated it, or has been wishfully attached to achieve extra juice, comes to mind. I'll run with the Yale Book of Quotations citation despite the fact that alumnus Dubya may have permanently spoiled the University's credibility for intellectual analysis. From YBQ: Joseph de Maistre (1753-1821) from Lettres et Opuscules Inédits, vol. 1, no. 53 (1851) (Letter of 15 August, 1811):

"Toute nation a le gouvernement qu’elle mérite." (Every country has the government it deserves.)

Or my version, "A nation of idiots, by idiots and for idiots." Copyright pending...

I'm embarrassed to admit now that I imagined Barack Obama could make a difference and that smart guys in charge would renew my delusional faith in the power of reason. There are just too many morons. There simply is no reasoning with evangelicals of any ilk -religious, Teadouchebag or greedhead along with (as a friend alluded)their retarded offspring college students who only want to know what's on the test. Why bother with all this harmony-We're-All-Americans bullshit. We are not all equal. I'm equal with this cesspool of jackasses roaming our fucking country? I don't think so. The President was blithering about this 2nd best nonsense. Second? Fucking please. We're not even in the Top Ten. What might renew my faith? President Obama's 2011 SOTU opening,

"America, I'll put this simply and slowly so you'll understand me. The vast majority of you are idiots. A nation of idiots, by idiots and for idiots. Unfortunately, the Founding Fathers didn't count on your ability to fuck your way into a country populated by self-centered, greedy, easily-manipulated irrational churchified imbeciles who joyfully work against their own interests. You just suck too much, you fucking simpletons. I quit."

No one would notice if American Idol or Jersey Shore was showing opposite the Address, but it would sure make me feel better. Who the Hell can deal with this sober?

New Decade Ruminations

A thousand years ago, polyester was invented. And the rise of the talkshow provided us with celebrity banter and hi-jinx that was heretofore unavailable to the common schmuck. Spin this out into its eventual demise, and you have American Pop Culture glancing off creativity and smashing into cross-marketed-ed whorish inanity. Whole clans of worshiping droolers without direction,(The Churchers should despise the talkshow, not American Government), mindlessly drifted blissfully toward false sincerity. Until eventually, casual celebrity shame and shenanigans morphed into a platform for various intellectually-challenged awareness soapboxes and internationally broadcast confessionals. Got a disease or affliction? Good luck, all the cool ones are taken spokes-fluffhead-wise. And yet, FatCouchWalMart America can wag that fucking finger of shame. And then feel superior.

What are we left with? Most of popular media is a gawking sideshow where the 60 Minutes and Springers and the TMZers are on equal footing. And shows that makes shit-gravy about talkshows. Television reality programming and talkshows glorify the boorish, the whorish and the douchebag. How many idiots can pimp their eccentricities? Twenty-four hours a day there are teams of community college dropouts chasing minor celebritantes or office-holders with cameras just waiting for their latest girl-girl kiss or drunken bang. Or minor traffic infraction. All that matters is celebrity. At all costs.

Oprah and Tiger and the Octo-uterus and the Balloon family and clinically-brain dead Regis are canaries in the Media coalmine. The Queen of Bullshit quit and soon no one will give a flying fuck about a golf dude banging cocktail waitresses. Hell, even Tyra Whatthehellqualifiesher bailed. But every mothafooking one of them guest/Marketing 101's in-a-box has a product line to make you look and smeell pretty, whatever will they do to survive? Awwwww... And shit, The rise of the impotent Smug Nation unknowingly mocks itself for its lack of historical perspective. Dam Smuggos. American Idol is your generational legacy.

Yet, the scum that floated to the popular top is grasping the rim of the bowl with potential consequences. The cumulative irrelevance of Leno, O'Brien, Dr. Phil, Dave, Rachel Ray, Kimmel, Oz, Wendy, Beck, Bill O., Sandra Lee, Martha and their assorted lifestyle-shaping ilk along with the endless Franken-vomit guest culture has created a possible vacuous black hole that Hawkins couldn't explain if he was lit up on mushrooms and cheap wine. WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO WITH THESE MUTANTS? And what do we do with their products, lotions and books-on-tape? There's no flush and swirl down a shitter in a swift and painful fashion.

Hope? Hell, the Teabaggers are the new masters of media. Guns, god and gays and WalMart and Maury The Tapeworm glorifying poverty-class infidelity. The days of kind coercion and dignified intellectual debate are gone. Take off your shoes at the airport. Newspapers fold. Global news divisions have been shuttered. And the audacity of new media pimps proclaim 'bloggers', like me, are the new source of NEWS and INFORMATION. Funny. ha-ha funny. Oprah owns the Moon and you are not invited for a weekend getaway.

Somebody get me a gotdam drink.

Shiny New Spanking Babies

A couple of my bestest people are having one of them babies.



LET'S ALL DANCE IN A GOOFY HAPPY SOMEBODY IS HAVING A BABY HAPPY DANCE!!!

A Brief Musical Interlude

Let's all catch our breath from the holiday madness. Sit back and enjoy a bit of Magic saved by the utubes.



And somebody click an ad at the bottom. I want to see if the Machine will send me a check for $.06 for an adsense clicky-thru. I'll split it with you.

A Merry Christmas, A Happy Kwanzaa, A Joyful Hanukkah, A Festive Solstice and whateverelse you may celebrate for a more decent and hope-filled New Year.

Congratulations

Update 12/23: Fine ideas as stupid crazy overwrought government Medicinal ideas go: single payer, the public option and the age 55 Medicare buy-in were sold up the creek for a bottle of rotgut and two ladyish cousins of questionable moral character in order to pass a watered-down drink of a Bill that a freshman sorority-pledge would turn down. Wussies. America's wussies, THE U.S. Senate.

Nice work, kids. You've won the Healthcare debate. Land of the Free, Home of the Asshat Douchebag Nutbag Fruitcake couldn't pass the GED Retard. With any luck, the Polar icecaps will melt rapidly drowning us all. I'm embarrassed to call myself an American. I read an excellent book a while back, Thomas Franks' What's The Matter With Kansas. There is no debating those who've made the leap to believing and voting against their own interests. But this shouldn't matter, right?

What in the bloody fuck happened? Did I just imagine, "Yes, We Can."? ha, ha! Irrepublicans have locked arms in solidarity. So what. The Democrats technically control all three branches of our government. All right, let's go, Batman! This a complete fallacy that hood-winked many like myself into believing that society-shifting legislation could have actually been enacted. Former Vice President Al Gore should kick himself in the ass every single morning, every single day, from now until the end of his climately-shortened life for bringing Joe Lieberman into the public domain. Not sexy enough for you? What is the nature of debauchery on the video of Senator Harry Reid? WAIT. WHAT? Joe Lieberman has a USB 2G flashdrive with Harry doing all manner of unspeakable acts. There is no other possible explanation for the Senate Majority Leader's cowtowing to Mr. Independent Big Brain Knows Best Lieberman.

And you thought an election was a pivotal moment. Hell, a rotting bag of elephant excrement could have beat George W. Bush's legacy in the last election. This, this healthcare issue, is the true test of American ideals.

The Idiots are winning.

Note to Idiots: That crunching sound is William F. Buckley gnawing on your skulls while you are still alive. The spinning around like you are swatting bees is not going to help. Buckley is gnawing on your skull.

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