The GAG Board of Directors has given a key to the executive washroom to our new contributing analyst, and world renowned Doctor of Culture, Guest Wench. Her high fashion sense and innate ability to sniff out the finest Scotch blindfolded brings a grand air of distinction to this otherwise low rent hovel of a blog.
Editor's Note: The opinions expressed by Guest Wench are more than likely to be in agreement with Grip because Guest Wench is damn smoking smart. And odds are she probably thought of it first.
LUDICROUS SPEED AHEAD!
Dark Helmet: Prepare ship for light speed!
Col Sandurz: No, no, no, light speed is too slow!
Dark Helmet: Yes, we’re gonna have to go right to…ludicrous speed!
Col. Sandurz: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we’ve never gone that fast before. I don’t know if the ship can take it.
Dark Helmet: What’s the matter Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?
And so here we are…2010…traveling ludicrous speed clockwise circling down the giant toilet bowl of the spectacle of society. Worshiping at the holy altar of eternal youth and celebrity, Americans enthusiastically stampede toward anything and everything that promises to make them superficially better people. American Nihilists fervently adhere to their fetishistic rituals – responding lockstep to sermons delivered through the warm glow of snake oil sermons on TV infomercials.
Hey white girl! Have you ever wanted a big, full-of-beans booty instead of that flaccid-milky, pancake ass that vertically droops in your mom jeans? Well NOW with Booty Pop Panties, you can get the perky bottom of a black girl’s tooshy! Absolutely effortless! Pop that booty, pop pop that booty pop! Pop that booty, pop pop that booty pop!
Hey chicken-fried steak, lunch-lady man arms! According to EVERYONE, toned arms are IN! Have you ever dreamed of having arms that look like a woman’s instead of your giant ape, cottage-cheese appendages? Well NOW with the Shake Weight, your dreams can become reality. In only six minutes a day, not only will you shake that pesky fat from the dark side of your dimply, bat wings, but you’ll also bone up (literally) on proper male masturbation techniques. It’s a WIN – WIN!
Hey Lady! Do you find that committing to a healthy lifestyle and exercise regimen just bores you to apathy and inertia? Have you ever wanted be a stripper but were unsure how to learn proper pole and chair-dancing technique? Well prepare for your head to explode NOW that the Flirty Girl Fitness system is here. With the Flirty Girl Fitness system, not only can you lose up to two pant sizes in one week, your new found stripper skills will allow you to change careers. Thanks Flirty Girl, you changed my life!
For under $100, Americans can directly enjoy the benefits of novelty and the accelerated advancement of our hyper-capitalist economy. Why expend time, effort and dedication when you can shortcut via non-sequitur gimmickry that produce immediate results? Why go light speed, when you can rip ass past that shit to ludicrous speed! Fuck YES! Cruise control set.
America, ludicrous speed ahead. Effortlessly as always bobbing up and down like buoys through the Sea of Effluvium…comfortably numb and ensconced by the banality of shiny, disposable and kitsch.
The Guest Wench aka Camille Clingan is an NYC-based comedienne. You can also find her on her own blog where she regularly ruminates on the righteous and the ridiculousness.
http://pilarmonkeybeans-drinks-a-beer.blogspot.com/
The staff is excited the sex industry is making inroads into the 21st Century home sweet home. And when in doubt the Editor falls back on the modern James version. Bond, James Bond. From the 1971 highly underrated masterpiece Diamond Are Forever:
James Bond: Weren't you a blonde when I came in?
Tiffany Case: Could be.
James Bond: I tend to notice little things like that - whether a girl is a blonde or a brunette.
Tiffany Case: Which do you prefer?
James Bond: Well, as long as the collar and cuffs match...
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