Been boiling an idea about enjoining all American peoples in a common solution to all of our energy needs, full employment, eliminating taxes across all strata and income and well...everyone. It's simple. It will make everyone poop-your-pants-with-glee fucking happy. FEEER. It's a unicorn shitting glitter turds of an acronym. FEEER.
Envision the Flyover Energy Economic Empowerment Region. FEEER. Essentially no one cares about the flyover states. The Midwest is the new Confederacy at its heart and in its spirit. Let's face it, between the Rockies and Appalachia, and from the Gulf to the Cheese Belt its a cultural and economic wasteland. What land Monsanto doesn't reign over with their poison-based feudalism is a true to life intellectual Zombie zone. Time to put it to good use and save the nation from an all-out Civil War, except this time the weapons are a tad more lethal than a musket ball. And Walmart will happily arm everybody. Here it is. A Simple two page plan, and one of them is a colorful map. It's time to strip mine the entire Mid-West. Flip and Gut the Plains. A joyful rape of the Land of White Trash-hating Tornadoes and perpetual budget-busting flood-thrashed trailer-parks. Why even the government will save a bundle, it's time for just one big Dakota instead of two, right?
Leave alone the coastal-States like a Twister game, anything Liberal that touches internationally accessible waters is not to be Caterpillared. See, here's the thinking: Most of the Idiocracy of turn and burn voters lives in this Flyover Square. In order to preserve the Union, let them live and earn and burn the MidWest. Coastal politicals and dirty hippies are not keen on the fracking. Heartlanders get boners from the flipping the dirt and mountain-topping, sucking out the petroleum, burning the trash, anything for coin. God-fearing gun-loving, pork 'n' bean Beer-belly book-burning Teabaggers will pee their Carhartts at this Program. And have a heart, fat people need jobs too. No need to secede.
Boom. End of the bickering over the 'Environment'. All the decent National Parks are outside the Flyover anyway. The Mississippi River is just a giant toilet thanks to demon gravity. Let's end our dependence on foreign energy. Rip And Flip And Frack. Drill Baby Drill. Jobs jobs jobs for the GED crowd. Our liberal intellectual zones are preserved, clean and organically fresh as new union-sewn hemp underpants. The Pat Robertson/Jerry Springer crowd is paid and contained. America calls a truce between Republi-retards and the Smuggo-crats. Who do you know really wants to deal with 'Flyover America' soon to be 'Flipped Over America'??? Christ, these people are frightened by big books like a jury at a Salem witch trial. And the Earth is 5,000 years old. Fucking Monster Truck morons.
Solved by FEEER. Problem Fucking Motherfucking Solved.
Big Balls to roll this one out. Be serious, let's stop pretending for Christs-sakes, for Gaia-sakes. We don't get along, we don't need to get along and WE WILL NEVER GET ALONG. Enough already before full scale Civil War breaks out again. It may not have come to this if Abe Lincoln wasn't such a dedicated smarty-pants. The Mason-Dixon Line was simply not as well thought out or natural as The FEEER demarcation Square. Needs some fleshing out, patching the holes with a few minor mandatory no exceptions. Kentucky's Bourbon production is sacred ground, as is Bourbon Street and New Orleans. Austin will have to be relocated and lose its Capitol status. Iowa will be stripped of all political rights, as the Nation's designated pig farm it will be fenced off from all humans in Zone as well. The map is a tad trapezoidal with Slavery-based Carolina (more savings!), Georgia and Florida, this allows ocean access with China for their Walmart-addiction lifestyle. Region ID cards and RFID implants will be necessary to prevent cross contamination and cross-breeding of plants and 'species'. $2,500 yearly extraction dividend checks, a la Alaska, to FEEER residents will be greeted with drunken revelry.
Over one hundred fifty plus years in the making, it's been sitting right there in front of us. Go ahead, grind through from social, political, geological, climate, population, fiscal, every goddamn -ogical. This can work. The Blue Eclair. The Red State Filling. The Teabagger Confederacy doesn't care about being poisoned. Rip it. Flip it. Drill it. Frack it. Strip it. Chop it. Fuck it. And Blue States can be as green and clean as a Hippie-Mama's placenta-fertilized garden. Gayly-painted little Prius' are distributed free with every Gay marriage. Once again, JFK's picture on every Blue mantle. The Bloobers care too much and that's OK. Hemp milkshakes and Birkenstocks all around.
Oprah's got her Moonbase, the rest of us have to deal with an increasing divided, hate-fueled Homeland.
BOOM. FEEER SOLVES THE FUCKING PROBLEM. WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEEER EXCEPT FOR FEEER ITSELF.
The author hopes to avoid Sir Thomas More's fate.
